Sporadic Sequential
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Civil Planning

So that clone of Thor didn't work out too well. And call me skeptical, but something about that new Thunderbolts group seems doomed for failure. Luckily, Reed Richards and Tony Stark have plenty of other brilliant contingency plans lined up to deal with Cap's anti-registration faction, and -- unlike earlier schemes -- these programs are all 100% safe and guaranteed not to backfire!

PlanSafeguards EnactedPlan Goes Horribly Wrong When...
Unleash flesh-eating virus on entire populace in hopes of decimating underground heroes as well.Offer vaccine to registered heroes and non-superhuman citizenship.Vaccine production stalls, leaving millions vulnerable to virus. Facing political embarrassment, Stark calls in Hydra and A.I.M. to help speed up production. An untested vaccine is rushed out and has the unfortunate side effect of turning subjects into flesh-eating zombies.
Go back in time to kill and/or recruit oppositionAll time-traveling staff required to watch cautionary training video produced by Kang Immortus Rama-Tut Scarlet Centurion Security, Inc.Spider-Man accidentally steps off path, killing a butterfly. When they return to the present, it's a divergent timeline where Chihuahuas are the dominant lifeform.
Sign deal with demons from Mephisto's hell dimension to break will of resistance members via temptation.Deal reviewed very, very carefully by Foggy Nelson. (Wanted Matt Murdock but were told he was unavailable.)Obvious-in-hindsight loophole in contract condemns pro-registration side's loved ones to cruel, ironic tortures for all eternity.
Clone Hitler to draw Cap out of hiding.Hitler Clone required to attend twelve hours of diversity appreciation and sensitivity training.Hitler proves surprisingly adept at modern American politics and soon ends up in the White House.
Gather all the anti-registration heroes in one spot and drop a couple nukes on them to blow them to Kingdom Come.Check with Distinguished Competition; nothing went wrong when they implemented their version of plan, did it?Unfortunately, due to a bureaucratic mix-up, the bombs are dropped on Stamford, Connecticut. And this being the Marvel Universe, the resulting radiation creates thousands of new heroes who now have an unrelenting hatred for the U.S. government.
Threaten to let Galactus eat Earth if renegade heroes don't turn themselves in.Giant dummy expiration label created and affixed to Earth so Galactus will think planet is well past freshness date.Galactus eats it anyway in Ambien-induced sleepwalking eating binge, then accidentally pushes Ultimate Nullifier, obliterating entire universe and causing new Big Bang that turns out to be the origin of the Ultimate Universe.

Man, am I ever glad I'm not reading this crap.